mean.. It’s not like we *never* have sex. But lately if it’s twice in
one month, it’s been a good month. There’s still most of a week left of
this month, so there’s still a chance to make it a good month. May was a
very bad month however..
So, as it’s a kinda rare occurrance, I always try to make it a worthwhile
thing for both of us, but especially for her.. unfortunately due to her
almost complete lack of feedback during it, I’m kind of playing by ear
what to do next.. I try not to always do the same things too, and try to
bring in new ideas every time if I can, to see what she’ll do, if
anything. But it’s always gotta be something that I can do without
expecting her to have to do anything. I can ask her to move around to a
different position, which she’ll usually comply with, but not if it
involves her having to do anything with her hands or mouth.
Not usually anyway.
Let me ask you women this then:
If your man wants you to do something different or new in bed, how do you
prefer he asks you to do it? Asking you directly if you would, or
telling you what to do, or just by sort of hinting at it or moving your
hands for you where he wants them to go, or - or what? What works best
for you?
Depending on the situation, I think I would get jealous too. If he was to go out with just one female and go for a long time, or I didn’t know the girl and KNOW that he doesn’t want nothing from her (you can tell)…
but he does run into his ex’s sisters occassionally and even though I used to be jealous when they hugged him, I’m not anymore. They all have their own boyfriends and they all are not interested in him whatsoever. And he doesn’t like any of them, especially since he always says the whole family is messed up except for his ex (as in alcholics and druggies) I’ve made friends with his ex since we’ve met and even though sometimes she drives me nuts and I know why they’re not together anymore, I try to maintain a friendship for the sake of the kids… anyway, that’s why I don’t mind him seeing/talking/hugging his ex’s sisters.. afterall, they’re related through the kids. My male friends are all music related and I never go out with them on a one-on-one basis, so Thomas has never a reason to get jealous.. he always has the opportunity to go along with us, but he doesn’t choose to, cause it’s boring to him. If he was to find a golf partner who was female, I don’t think I would be jealous either… it’s a hobby and that would be it.. there are limits however, cause my ex’s friends and him where cheating on me, so I’m leary when there is one-on-one going out to clubs.. and NEVER would I be comfortable with someone staying overnight…. anyway.. my thoughts on opposite sex friends in a relationship
GOOD POINT.
I honestly don’t believe I’m “mothering” my
Partner — per Karen’s recent thread, we all know
that can be an issue! — hell, I didn’t even
“mother” my own now-adult son! — but I surely am
MENTORING him.
That’s the way of age-gap relationships. That’s
the way *I* learned about love and life in my
twenties, when I was The Younger One. Some of my
older Partners in those days, IMO *now*
(“hindsight is 20/20”), seriously fell down on
the Mentoring job, with some pretty ugly results.
Consequently, I take my Mentoring duties to this
Partner (self-imposed, but thoroughly discussed
and MUTUALLY bought-into) very seriously indeed.
Perhaps this is counter-productive. Thoughts,
anybody?
I WISH that was what’s going on here. It isn’t.
At least it isn’t, IN MY BEST JUDGMENT. And my
best judgment usually counts for just about SHIT
where my own life is concerned, so you may indeed
be right on this one. Though that’s not what he’s
SAYING. But THAT could be one of these silly male
“dick-waving” (ego/appearances/competitiveness)
things… Hmmmm. Now that is a truly arresting
thought. :P
In fact, Peggy, without even giving myself time
for second (and usually needlessly tortuous)
thoughts, I’m cc’ing this reply to my Partner.
We’ve been swapping email on this all day, too,
besides the phone calls.
My boyfriend is a very quiet person, someone who doesn’t believe in
saying something unless he has something significant to say. I am
also a pretty quiet person, so we’re not opposites, but I do feel
more comfortable talking than he does. Especially about emotions.
Here’s the thing: we are both working on communicating more
directly. For me, that means overcoming a sense of vulnerability in
order to say plainly what I feel. I feel very exposed when I do
that. It seems to me that many times when I do, his response is
silence, and that makes me feel anxious. I have a persistent belief
that if there are good things to be said, they will be said, and
therefore I interpret silence negatively.
We’ve talked about this, and intellectually I understand that a few
things are going on from his perspective: one, he’s absorbing and
processing what I’ve said; two, he doesn’t want to say the wrong
thing; and three, he doesn’t understand why I would feel vulnerable
because he doesn’t intend me any harm. But emotionally, I tend to
revert back to that old, “silence is bad” belief. (I should say, the
opposite is probably true with him — if something really bothers
him, he speaks up.) I think he doesn’t like or agree with what I’ve
said but doesn’t want to hurt my feelings.
I guess I’m asking for help in perceiving silence differently. He
does try to give me some initial reaction, but it’s just his nature
to be silent unless he’s sure of what he’s saying. When he does
talk, what he says is incredibly thoughtful — it’s just that time
lag. I know that I need to work on my own confidence in this and to
make sure he doesn’t have reason to fear my reaction if he says “the
wrong thing”, but I’d also like help with this aspect of it.
To be honest with you I would most likely use the information to further beat myself up as I am in the habit of doing. I would not change myself to satisfy someone else. Even though my heart screams I want him back, what for? He has made it perfectly clear that he doesn’t want me. I am hurt right down to the core of my soul. It is like my heart was ripped out of my body and pushed down my throat. He doesn’t like my way of life, this he tells me after 2 1/4 years and not even 4 weeks after we talked about his friends relationship with his GF and us talking about that there is something else going on there. He had his perfect opportunity to talk to me about us problem. I had nothing to talk about , how did I know that there was something bothering him if he didn’t talk about it. He had so many chances to sit down with me and talk. And I got O. I wouldn’t use the information for future relationships either because every person is different. What bothered him about me, might be prefect for some other man. I still think that all the reasons he gave me was an excuse for something else going on. Y Yes, I need much better closure. How do I get that with out talking to him again?
You must be feeling pretty low right now. Did he ever tell you what was wrong with the relationship with his wife? was he feeling neglected because his wife’s time was taken up with their son? had the intimacy gone from their marriage? I am sure that you did and still do mean something to this man, but when faced with the fear of losing his little family, he decided to stay put. that is the bottom line. I don’t doubt you really can fall in love with someone on line. You can have a spiritual and deep attachment for a person without setting eyes on them. Angie, what kind of social life do you have? Do you get out to meet other people in your area? I think you will have to just get on with your life and not contact him again. Just take one day at a time. It was all ‘pie in the sky’ in reality. Please stay in touch and we will help you through this painful time.
Has he always been that way, or could it just be because the house is all
torn up for remodeling? I’m assuming that you are fixing it up and it
isn’t going to stay that way. Maybe he will change when the house becomes
more livable.
I can tell you this. I’m a very tidy person, but I spent about a year
being really messy and it drove me nuts. That was when I was completely
remodeling my kitchen. I replaced everything and did all the work myself
so it took about a year. I had dirty dishes stacked up in the bathroom
because I had no kitchen sink or dishwasher, not even a countertop for a
long time. And washing dishes in a bathroom sink is a hassle.
You could also tell him very clearly that you don’t find your living
conditions suitable. I know first-hand that really messy people don’t
respond to “hints”, they have to be told in no uncertain terms so there is
absolutely no question about what you mean. I have a housemate who is
moving out this weekend. She is really messy in my opinion and could not
care less what people think about it, almost like she thinks its just my
psychotic problem that I have to overcome, although she never came right
out and said that. It has been driving me nuts for a long time. It was
really getting to me just last night and I started having thoughts about
what her place would be like if she lived by herself. One thought led to
the next and I thought, “Every surface in her kitchen would have something
growing on it and it would eventually evolve into some new species that
would start to move around over time and then venture out on its own into
the world and begin eating away at civilization. Yup, she is going to be
the downfall of mankind, alright.”
